Be Direct:
Erasing Observational Distance in Storytelling
By Evan Braun

As an editor, I’m always working on ways to make prose more concise and effective. It’s typically true that if you can say something in eight words instead of ten, you’re better off. Little adjustments of a couple words can make a big difference when applied consistently over the course of a manuscript, even though they may seem inconsequential.

Today I want to talk about one of those “little” adjustments that has the potential to simplify your prose and make it stronger at the same time. The topic today is avoiding what I call unnecessary observational distance.

Clear as mud? Let me explain.

Let’s say you’re writing a novel and your main character enters a restaurant and sits down to enjoy a well-deserved lunch. Realize of course that the circumstances and setting could be literally anything; the specifics of the example are unimportant.

You may write something like this:

She noticed the chipped paint on the walls and the faded curtains, signs of the building’s age, and wondered how long the place had been open.

You know what they say, she thought. You find the best food at these old hole-in-the-wall establishments.

Hearing the clatter of spoons and forks against dinnerware, she saw the waiter approach her table with a serving tray piled high with dishes. When he delivered her salad, she looked down and took in the well-appointed plate. She saw leafy greens covered in cheese and topped with garlic-flecked croutons.

She tasted that garlic in the first bite and observed how well the flavours complemented each other. She decided she would definitely be coming back here.

This is perfectly fine. Good even… but it could be a whole lot better.

You may not notice what I’m talking about at first, but I’m hoping it’s easier to spot when contrasted with a slightly edited version of the same passage:

The chipped paint on the walls of the restaurant and faded curtains spoke to the building’s age. How long had the place been open?

You know what they say, she thought. You find the best food at these old hole-in-the-wall establishments.

Spoons and forks clattered against dinnerware as the waiter approached her table with a serving tray piled high with dishes. When he delivered her salad, she took in the well-appointed plate, its leafy greens covered in cheese and topped with garlic-flecked croutons.

She savoured the first taste of garlic. How well the flavours complemented each other! She would definitely be coming back here.

Can you spot the subtle variation between the first version and the second? Can you see how these subtle improvements streamline and activate the storytelling?

The first version is full of phrases like “she noticed,” “she wondered,” “she heard,” “she saw,” “she tasted,” “she observed,” and “she decided.” These phrases are often redundant. They precede important observations that engage the senses and get the reader involved in the scene—and the observations themselves are fantastic.

Those short preceding phrases aren’t great, though. They create unnecessary distance between the reader and the character. As the author, you can erase that distance and jump straight to the observation as though the readers themselves are experiencing it.

You don’t need to tell me that she tasted the tangy salad dressing; you can just describe how tangy and delicious that salad dressing is! You don’t need to tell me that she saw something; you can just describe what she sees.

This is what I mean when I talk about an author’s tendency to create unnecessary observational distance.

It’s small. It’s subtle.

But it makes a big difference when you cut out the middleman and just sink yourself into a story’s rich detail. When you’re locked in your main character’s headspace, fully embracing their point of view, you can take for granted that everything you’re describing constitutes the character’s direct observations. You don’t have to constantly remind the reader of the act of observation.

In other words, get comfortable being more direct.

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Did you enjoy this post? For further reading on writing great descriptions, see Use All Your Senses. For more great writing tips check out Evan's other posts, here.

About this Contributor:

Evan Braun is a full-time author and editor. He has authored three novels, the first of which, The Book of Creation, was shortlisted in two categories at the 2012 Word Awards. He has released two sequels, The City of Darkness (2013) and The Law of Radiance (2015), completing the series. Braun is an experienced professional editor, and has worked with Word Alive Press authors since 2006. He is also a regular contributor at The Fictorians, a popular writing blog.